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Sarah: Why Are Strong Independent Women Failing At Relationships?

Sitting in for Omara Daniel on the Hear Me Out Show was Sarah Apollo and guest host Auma Shivan, a media personality, brand ambassador and mental health advocate. The two delved into the reasons why financially independent women were struggling in relationships.

The conversation of debate arose from a tweet Sarah came across that said, “Everyone wants a strong woman until she actually stands up, flexes her muscle and projects her voice. Suddenly, she is too much and has forgotten her place. You (men) love those women as ideas, fantasies and not as living breathing human beings threatening to be better than you can ever be.”

As a matter of fact, Sarah, while referring to advice from dating coaches, said independent women fail in their relationships because of projecting more masculine energy and abandoning their femininity.

“The energy of being able to provide, protect and handle things comes out because they have nobody to rely on. For instance, when you're a single mother, you encompass the whole field of parenting as a mother, father, and being the child’s sole provider,” she opined.

“In an instance where a woman who has been holding the fort and single for too long gets a man in her life, it becomes very difficult for her to release this power and allow someone else to take control,” she added.

However, Auma commented that whereas women have to embrace their femininity, they too have to exercise their masculine side when necessary. Despite denying being a feminist, she said a woman shouldn’t lower her standards to feed a man’s ego.

She further explained that if a man doesn’t want to date a woman who is financially strong and independent, then it’s because he feels threatened by her capabilities.

“If a man sees an independent, strong and ambitious woman, they will feel intimidated to date them because if they attempt to walk a day in that woman’s shoes, they couldn't handle it. But men need to stop using this as an excuse to play their part by being less of a man.”

The mental health advocate added, “There has to be a change in the rationale that women are meant for the kitchen. Look at the President of Tanzania and women like Michelle Obama. These and so many other women have changed the way things operate and personally, I wouldn't want to be that woman who lowers her standards to pamper a man's ego. Rather, I expect him to rise up to the occasion and be the man he has to be.”

She said that as a Christian, she believes in the notion of a man being the head of the family and the woman being submissive. But contrary to her beliefs is a woman becoming “stupid” in an effort to be submissive. She explained that women need to have the ability to use their masculinity in the absence of a man to take care of the responsibilities while not holding onto a toxic relationship just to prove submissiveness.

“As an independent woman, I might not be willing to look needy in front of a man. However, that doesn't make me less feminine by wanting a man to take care of me because that would be the only way to show and recognize his love.”

Another tweet the hosts made reference to said, ‘No strong, independent woman wants to be in the position to head a home and it is better for men and women to understand that they aren't competitors but rather complements in a relationship, with the need to realize that there’s more than masculine strength and the need to embrace feminine strength.’

Sarah agreeing to the statement said,“I have been a strong independent woman for a very long time and it has just given me heartbreak because showing a man that you can meet the responsibilities by yourself makes him feel unneeded yet it's what makes them feel like men in relationships.”

“In all the relationships I've been in, I've learnt that upstaging a man is playing onto his insecurities because I think men like to be needed because that is the role they are taught to take up from childhood. So whenever I was financially independent in the relationships I would get in, I realized that it came off as arrogance and it made them feel useless. That is when my sister advised me that as a woman you need to know how to be a vulnerable person.”

Auma also advised that if a man is willing to take care of an independent woman in a relationship, the woman should give him the chance to do so, as hard as it might be.

“Being an independent woman, I can afford everything for myself even the most expensive things but my partner understood this and asked me to take it on from there. It has been a struggle but as a woman if a man is willing to compromise, it is okay to pull down your walls. If there’s someone willing to stand in the gap for you and one willing to take care of a child that is not his, give him the benefit of doubt.”

Hear Me Out is hosted by Daniel Omara every Saturday from 10am to Midday on RX Radio.

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